Some Community Thoughts

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a cynic. Sometimes this comes across as playing Devil's Advocate, but I can assure you that I don't ever do that. For the past few months, it seems that things have come across my path that have thrown me for a bit of a wild ride. I was the Incoming Co-Chair of an organization, and was forced to step down for varying reasons. I had a number of people I trusted betray me. I learned of a new group, called MDHL, which stands for "Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather."

Let me talk a little bit about my cynicism, and in order to do so, I'll just link you to this writing: https://fetlife.com/users/711200/posts/3327402

I wonder, why did they not believe these people who spoke up? Yet in my own community, it takes the words of people who have more of a following to be believed. I won't link to those writings of my own local community, but I'm sure you all know the ones I'm talking about. The person who about five or so people spoke up against. And yet, when my girl speaks up against someone, she gets gaslighted and told that they weren't so bad.

So yes, I'm a cynic. I'm a positive person, for the most part, but I have a healthy dose of cynicism that will make me not trust you unless you show me, time and time again, that I can. I'm closed off and quite abrasive, and I'm not interested in sharing my life story with anyone who isn't in my family or chosen family, which only includes two people aside from my girl.

But let me talk about how I feel about the MDHL group. It was a post on Facebook asking why such a group exists. And I have to wonder, why does such a group not only exist, but have such a following? That's neither here nor there, however. What I feel is wrong is how the group claims to be marginalized, without truly saying that.

Removing Dominant and Leather from the equation, heterosexual men are simply not marginalized. They are one of the greatest represented group of people in media and in culture. Now let's put back the Dominant title. It's no surprise that the leading literature of our lifestyle, whether we like it or not, was Fifty Shades of Grey. It was beyond mainstream literature and it's no coincidence that the couple was heterosexual and male-led.

How many mainstream stories have you read that you can speak to anyone, either in the lifestyle or outside of it, and they will know its title? Will they know Coming to Power? Will they know of Ask the Man Who Owns Him? No, they won't. And it isn't because these titles aren't popular, and it isn't a coincidence that these titles are non-het.

On BOLD's website, MDHL's need is expressed as being "nowhere in particular," i.e. not represented in any culture in specific.

But I have seen at my local dungeon the overwhelming numbers of male-led, heterosexual dynamics. Tell me again how they are nowhere, when everywhere I look, they are there. The only way that anyone can have a space of their own, without that particular group present, is to make more private spaces, like gay leather clubs. Forgive me if my words strike you as punitive. They're not. I'm in what appears to be a very heterosexual, typical, male-led dynamic with my girl. I'll assure you that we're incredibly queer, and honestly, I'm not going to tell you how or why, but we're not typical.

I just find it interesting how, time and time again, the groups with large following are those that are already largely represented in our society. The nail in the coffin is where they claim that the LGBT community is their ally, not the other way around. Why would heterosexuals need allies? What are they fighting for if not for the rights that others are not granted?

Note, there's nothing I have personally against this group. I just find it...interesting. There's a lot more that I could say on the subject in regards to feminist and queer theory and why it's harmful that such a group would congregate, but I'll leave it at this. There's nothing wrong with coming together with a common goal, and I'm sure they've served what they feel is a great need in the community, but to do so without questioning why is fishy to me.

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