30 Days of Kink: The Perfect Partner?

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I was waiting for this one. It's actually a very good question, because I have an extensive lists of qualities that attract my attention, none of them having to do with physical appearance. The first two things are this: when a person is compassionate for others and when they have an open mind. Then from there, submission, subservience, the need to serve under a Dominant. I enjoy obedience and domesticity. Slight masochism, though this is not necessary. Someone who I can relate to on many levels, who shares a lot of my ideals. A person who is a good, genuine individual.

Recently, I wrote a private journal entry of my idea of the "perfect" partner. It went a little something like this:

Enjoys cooking, cleaning, and folding laundry. Must want children, must be very playful and fun. Must have a childish side to connect with the children, and must have a childish side that I can play with. Submissive, masochistic, not afraid to voice their wants. Open-minded, accepting, not degrading to other individuals. Loving of human beings, sweet and kind. Frail and weak, but strong enough to be abused. Must have a strong will to others, but have the capability of being weak to one person (me). Must have compassion for others, care about the human condition, but understand when to say 'no' to others. Must remove the word 'no' from their vocabulary when speaking to me, unless told otherwise. Must be willing to give up themselves, their mind, their actions. Must want to be controlled, must feel safe in being controlled. Needs to enjoy whatever their partner deems they should, and must have love in their heart to give to their partner. Has to enjoy going out on dates, staying in and watching films, or eating cheesecake for breakfast. Needs to find pleasure in sitting at another's feet while the other reads or does work. Needs to be in a calm state of mind, and easily broken in. Must not play head games or test others' patience. Must be upfront and honest about all of their wants, needs, and desires. Needs to be faithful and want a committed relationship. Needs to want marriage and full-time commitment. Needs to enjoy being a housewife and enjoy greeting their partner when they come home from work.

What I need from a partner, and their qualities will show this, is sweetness and kindness. I love it when a slave is sweet, cute, and adorable. It makes me proud. I need a partner who will make me proud, and who other Dominants will salivate over, wishing that they had a slave as wonderful as mine. I do not really care about the exterior, it's more of how they carry themselves. I become more attracted and stuck on the way a person moves than on how they look. It's actually one of the things I fell in love with about my ex little girl—the way her little hands picked up things, how her feet were situated when she stood, the way she looked crouched and small when she spoke. That, to me, is beautiful.

I find it beautiful when a slave takes pain not only because they like it, but because they like to be of pleasure to their Dominant. That's another thing that I look for in a partner—the willingness to please and satisfy. Though I'm actually very big on satisfying my partner as well, I prefer it when they go out of their way to please me, to make me happy, to make me proud. Another thing is that a partner should not give their submission so easily. I do not like that. I do not like to fight for it, no, but I do not like it when the person immediately gives it to me. It makes me feel that I am nothing special, that if they could so easily hand over their submission that it is of no value. Over time, if a slave hands over power, I enjoy that. It's good, it shows me that not only they're warming up to me, but that they're also finding me worthy of their true submission. There's no better feeling in the world.

Another thing that is good in a partner, though not required, is a want to better themselves. I don't necessarily find charity cases, per se, but I do like it when the person feels that they could use improvement. It makes me feel like I have a purpose as their Dominant, and an obligation to help them get there. I personally am very focused on the future and on success in terms of career, so it makes me very pleased when a person is too. Even if they have that drive but not the means, it's nice to see that they are willing to move forward with their life. As someone who is a bit obsessive compulsive when it comes to cleanliness, I would probably require that the person knows how to clean.

Well, after writing all of that, I realize that I probably expect too much. I've always known that, but people have told me otherwise. However, I don't personally think that it's exactly a lot, if I were to find the right person. My philosophy on that is that if someone truly had the desire to fulfill that role in my life, be my everything and receive everything in return, then they would be willing to put up with all that I require and expect. I give a lot back. It may seem like I don't because I am a Dominant, but I do. I give back that sense of security, I give back a person who is understanding and caring, I give back a person who is committed and real and who knows what he wants. I'm responsible and am going somewhere in my life. Most everything that I do, I do it so that I can be a better Dominant to someone someday. It's a give and take, always, and that's how I prefer it.

30 Days of Kink: Changes

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

My first reaction to this question was, "No shit, Sherlock!" Of course my perspectives and interests have changed! I originally started out as primarily a person who was into the play aspect, and it developed into a need for the 24/7 lifestyle. I had been interested in it, as I've said many times, from early childhood. As I grew, things definitely changed. I learned more about myself, about my role, about where I stood in life. I'm still learning, though my interests are not going anywhere at this point. I've been pretty stagnant in my likes and dislikes, interests and hard limits for quite a long time. Sad as that may sound, I'm content with being who I am now.

It's certainly interesting because I try to remember now how I was back then, and I can't. I always had that something in me that made me this way—that's all that I can describe it as, that "something." It's like one of those atoms that they put in the lab and let grow—that's almost how it was with me. So as it grew, my interests grew, my knowledge grew, and I'm still learning at this point. Everything that I know is from my own teaching and experience. I didn't have a mentor to guide me through it, which I wish that I had because it would have made everything a lot easier. I believe that my perspective of a Dominant's role has changed an awful lot, though. I sort of came into it with the thought that the slave merely obeyed and that was it (which it is this way, sometimes). But it's more of a give and take, hence why I love the term "power exchange." The Dominant and submissive or Master and slave give and take power, it's an exchange between the two. You give me everything of yourself and I provide comfort and security.

BDSM is a long journey. People have been in it for decades and are still growing in terms of their role and their likes and dislikes. At this point, I know what I want—years ago, I didn't. But now, I know exactly what I need in a partner, in a slave, and I am brought all that much closer to eventually one day having it.

30 Days of Kink: Necessities

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I would like to note that my answer to this response is not how all BDSM relationships are. This is unique to me and other people who share my level of protocol. Do not misunderstand and think that all Dominants feel the same as I do—many do not.

A BDSM, 24/7 relationship needs most things that a vanilla relationship needs and more. Complete trust, complete faith, and a total giving of yourself into that relationship. It needs both partners working at it to succeed like a vanilla relationship does, but unlike a vanilla relationship, the work may not be split evenly. Respect needs to be given to both partners, even the submissive. Though they are subservient and lesser in status, they are still human (sometimes) and still deserve to be respected as such.

Let's do a comparison so that you can see the difference side-by-side.

For a vanilla relationship, the things that are necessary are:

• Faith/trust
• Communication
• Open-mindedness
• Equality
• Respect
• Good mental health
• The ability to forgive
• Love and caring
• Ability to understand and accept each other

Now, for a D/s relationship, the majority of those things are needed. But in contrast to that, equality of a D/s relationship is not necessary. I would never see my slave as my equal. There's nothing to it. They are my lesser, my lower, my submissive, my slave. But in being such, I highly regard their opinions and their suggestions. If we're picking out something like furniture and they have a preference for something else, I may consider their opinion and we may find something that we both like. But ultimately, it would be up to me. I went off on a bit of a tangent, so here is a list of things that I find necessary in a 24/7, BDSM relationship:

• Trust
• Communication
• Full awareness of the relationship and of expectations
• Respect
• A clear mind (especially for Dominants)
• To be able to take a breather
• Calm mental attitude
• Forgiveness
• Constant upkeep
• Order and discipline
• Obedience
• Control
• Service
• Ability to understand and accept each other
• Time management
• Self control

Notice how I did not put down love and caring for the BDSM relationship. I'm still on the rocks, honestly, of how necessary that is. You can be in a D/s relationship with someone and have it strictly be that, where the submissive and Dominant are nothing more than sub and Dom. For me, though, I think that it is necessary. I've been entering a very odd point in my life where being single has forced me to reevaluate what is necessary and what is not. We'll see, though. The main differences between vanilla and BDSM relationships is the intensity of those necessities. Yes, trust is necessary in a vanilla relationship, but when it comes to a BDSM relationship, it is so much more. If my submissive disobeys me, it isn't just, "Oh, they didn't do the dishes, we'll have a little tiff and move on." It's, "They disobeyed me, they betrayed me, now I'm going to have to punish them and hope that they learn to not do that again."

30 Days of Kink: Favorite Book

Day 21: Favorite BDSM-related book (fiction or non-fiction).

It's really hard to say what my favorite BDSM-related novel is. Everyone probably already knows my least favorite, since any time that it's brought up in conversation I make a face of disgust. But my favorite, that's harder to say. Most books that have anything to do with BDSM just turn me off because I always feel that they're not realistic, that they're more of fantasy than actuality. However, one series that I really love that is somewhat BDSM-related is actually a manga series entitled Doll.

The series takes place in present day and is about a society that has scientifically engineered human beings, or dolls. They are used for all sorts of things: sex, housecleaning, domination, companionship, and the impossible love. Dolls do not have any feelings. They can be engineered to, which is one person's purpose in the series as he attempts to make his doll actually feel, taste, understand, and grow. The reason why I like it isn't so much because it's a picture book but because it has a science fiction feel to it, and I just really love the story line. If they were to come out with a series that was purely a novel similar to Doll, I would love it.

There are actually a lot of short stories to follow in Doll, because every book has about three or so different families or relationships that they focus on, but the underlying plot is still in each. I found that to be kind of cool, because you got to look at how people use their dolls (some people used them to make amputees, others were into pony play, one woman had her male doll be her slave, and many more). Some of them were actually heartbreaking, and one story in particular where a mother is made to replace the child's actual mother was really sad because the doll mother was a better mother than the human one.

I read the series when I was fairly young, so it's surprising that I had such a pull to it and found some of the short stories to be really damn hot. Maybe one day I'll find a good science fiction novel that is BDSM-related or has some BDSM elements that I really love—I truly hope that I do.

30 Days of Kink: Questions for me?

Day 20: Questions from my readers and followers.

Since the original topic for Day 20 really didn't go well with me, I decided to take a few questions/topics from my blog and Twitter followers. The original topic was, "Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand." Which, in all honesty, there is not one thing that I'm curious about and that I don't understand. I'm not saying that I know everything, because I don't; I'm simply saying that, if introduced to something new, I would not shun it, and I would most likely try and learn as much about it as possible. Here are the questions that I received, and I hope that my answers help out!

1. Can a virtual relationship transition to "real" D/s?
Here's the deal with this one. There is no such thing as "real" D/s, only what one person defines it as and what one person feels it is. However, there are things to avoid and things that are general rules that should be followed. That being said, I feel that an online or long-distance relationship can certainly transition to an in-person, 24/7 D/s relationship. Very possible. My ex and I were long-distance and we met online, and we certainly transitioned rather easily to an in-person D/s relationship. Regardless of the horrors that went on in that relationship, it still made me believe that it's definitely possible to work out.

Here are some things to keep in mind if you do plan on transitioning from online to in-person:

• Make sure that you are both clear on your expectations of each other.
• Do not expect things to be exactly as you imagined them.
• Be open-minded and understanding.
• Be willing to grow with each other.
• Make sure that you discuss many facets of the lifestyle before engaging in something in-person.
• Get to know each other in-person before engaging in anything that may be considered extreme or edge play.
• Make sure to meet in a public place for the first few meetings, and be safe!

2. What's the proper (or improper) term for someone who just likes to be paddled, whipped, or general pain, but does not like D/S or role-playing or anything other than pain?
You know, in all honesty, there is no "proper" term for that, though the general term would be "kinky." Notice how I did not say that they were a kinkster or fetishist, because those are terms for people who are generally into the lifestyle itself. There's always the possibility that the person could simply be a vanilla individual who just likes to have a little fun sometimes. The real proper term is whatever the individual themselves deems proper. If they do identify as a kinkster or fetishist, then that's the proper term. If they identify as vanilla, then that would be the proper term. It's very broad, and there is no one "right" way.

3. Have you ever been the submissive in a relationship?
Technically speaking, many years ago, yes, I was. It was my first D/s relationship, and it honestly just wasn't me. I was very good at being subservient since I knew what I would want of someone who was mine, but it was false and it was me doing it because I thought that I had to. I was very young and thought that, because of that, I had to be submissive and subservient. But internally, that is not who I am. I had the mindset of being a Dominant since I was very small. It wasn't so much ordering people around as it was expecting better of them and expecting them to please me. Certain little hints of it when I was a child. Submission and slavehood was never anything that was in my personality coding. I have not since then, and do not plan to ever again. It's simply not who I am.

Thank you all for the questions, and I would love to do this again sometime! Remember, you can ask me questions any time on my formspring either anonymously or with your account. I try to answer all questions that seem like more than just spam, so feel free to ask me anything (so long as it's not offensive and/or discriminatory).