30 Days of Kink: Necessities

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I would like to note that my answer to this response is not how all BDSM relationships are. This is unique to me and other people who share my level of protocol. Do not misunderstand and think that all Dominants feel the same as I do—many do not.

A BDSM, 24/7 relationship needs most things that a vanilla relationship needs and more. Complete trust, complete faith, and a total giving of yourself into that relationship. It needs both partners working at it to succeed like a vanilla relationship does, but unlike a vanilla relationship, the work may not be split evenly. Respect needs to be given to both partners, even the submissive. Though they are subservient and lesser in status, they are still human (sometimes) and still deserve to be respected as such.

Let's do a comparison so that you can see the difference side-by-side.

For a vanilla relationship, the things that are necessary are:

• Faith/trust
• Communication
• Open-mindedness
• Equality
• Respect
• Good mental health
• The ability to forgive
• Love and caring
• Ability to understand and accept each other

Now, for a D/s relationship, the majority of those things are needed. But in contrast to that, equality of a D/s relationship is not necessary. I would never see my slave as my equal. There's nothing to it. They are my lesser, my lower, my submissive, my slave. But in being such, I highly regard their opinions and their suggestions. If we're picking out something like furniture and they have a preference for something else, I may consider their opinion and we may find something that we both like. But ultimately, it would be up to me. I went off on a bit of a tangent, so here is a list of things that I find necessary in a 24/7, BDSM relationship:

• Trust
• Communication
• Full awareness of the relationship and of expectations
• Respect
• A clear mind (especially for Dominants)
• To be able to take a breather
• Calm mental attitude
• Forgiveness
• Constant upkeep
• Order and discipline
• Obedience
• Control
• Service
• Ability to understand and accept each other
• Time management
• Self control

Notice how I did not put down love and caring for the BDSM relationship. I'm still on the rocks, honestly, of how necessary that is. You can be in a D/s relationship with someone and have it strictly be that, where the submissive and Dominant are nothing more than sub and Dom. For me, though, I think that it is necessary. I've been entering a very odd point in my life where being single has forced me to reevaluate what is necessary and what is not. We'll see, though. The main differences between vanilla and BDSM relationships is the intensity of those necessities. Yes, trust is necessary in a vanilla relationship, but when it comes to a BDSM relationship, it is so much more. If my submissive disobeys me, it isn't just, "Oh, they didn't do the dishes, we'll have a little tiff and move on." It's, "They disobeyed me, they betrayed me, now I'm going to have to punish them and hope that they learn to not do that again."