30 Days of Kink: Playing on the Internet

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Well, we've just walked into some murky water here, haven't we? See, the lifestyle online has not been a good experience for me. My ex of four years and I were actually in a long-distance relationship, so much of our time was online, both playing and training. Sad, but true. For some reason, she thought that she could disobey me since I couldn't see what she was doing. Funny, no? But my opinion on online playing is that it can work for some, but I'm not interested in it. In fact, I'm not interested in many of the things I used to be interested in.

I'm not interested in seeing a partner on webcam.

I'm not interested in engaging in cyber sex with a partner, regardless of the circumstances.

I'm not interested in having my submissive punish themselves with a belt or other tool, as it does me no good because they never do it hard enough.

Online play and having any form of relationship over the internet is usually just not good. It's not good for me because I cannot trust people long-distance, or even who live fifteen minutes away. I have extreme trust issues (when I say extreme, I mean it) and it is very difficult, nearing impossible, to get me to trust a person completely. This is why I have these views. I'm not saying that it's bad for anyone, because it's not. It can be a good thing. I can introduce someone to what the BDSM community has to offer. It can introduce a person to the possibilities, the ideas, what can happen. But it can also be bad, if not done correctly.

In general, for people new to the lifestyle, I would say that finding a mentor is the best route to take. I never had one, sadly, and I'm still trying to find someone who I find honorable enough to mentor me and teach me the proper ways to use certain tools and mediums. I only know just enough to get by, and I find that unacceptable. However, as I was saying, the best thing for a person new to this wonderful BDSM world is to find a mentor who shares common interests and values and then for them to get themselves exposed both to the local community and perhaps different implements and methods of play. The internet can be a great source for many things, but practice makes perfect in so many ways, and the only way to practice is to do.

I do hope that this post made sense. My mind is a bit jumbled lately from all of the work I've been doing with my courses and everything else, so do forgive me. If you need any clarification on anything I've said, just let me know!

-Sir

30 Days of Kink: Transparency

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Generally, I'm the sort of person that tells it like it is and doesn't sugarcoat things. I am completely open about my being in the BDSM lifestyle as well as my side job on Edenfantasys as a reviewer. I am open about it at work, I am open about it with my family members, and I am open about it with friends and potential partners. I don't leave anything secret, but I do warn that if the person doesn't want to be either shocked or surprised by information that they should keep their questions to themselves.

Since I have a slave now, I do not refer to her in conversation by her first name. It's simply not something I use often. I refer to her as the slave, my slave, or my girl. People's eyes might go wide, but I do not really care too much. If they didn't want to talk to me, they don't have to, and I'll leave them alone. If they ask me to keep the information to myself, I will. But if they ask questions, they are consenting to receive answers, and it simply isn't my fault that they disliked the answers they received.

I stand by my lifestyle choice, and it is who I am. It does not affect me in a work environment. In fact, I think that it enhances it, since I am able to both stand up for myself and bow when I need to (to my higher ups and superiors) since I understand hierarchy and where I fall down the line. It also makes me a better teacher, more patient, understanding, and conscious of the words I use and the things I say to my students. If an employer dislikes my lifestyle choice, well, that is their choice to dislike it. But it is my choice to engage in it. I do not bring it to my work space, I do not bring my riding crops or canes with me to work. I am very professional, and good at what I do, so I see no reason to hide who I am.

On the whole, it's just a part of me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

30 Days of Kink: The Perfect Partner?

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I was waiting for this one. It's actually a very good question, because I have an extensive lists of qualities that attract my attention, none of them having to do with physical appearance. The first two things are this: when a person is compassionate for others and when they have an open mind. Then from there, submission, subservience, the need to serve under a Dominant. I enjoy obedience and domesticity. Slight masochism, though this is not necessary. Someone who I can relate to on many levels, who shares a lot of my ideals. A person who is a good, genuine individual.

Recently, I wrote a private journal entry of my idea of the "perfect" partner. It went a little something like this:

Enjoys cooking, cleaning, and folding laundry. Must want children, must be very playful and fun. Must have a childish side to connect with the children, and must have a childish side that I can play with. Submissive, masochistic, not afraid to voice their wants. Open-minded, accepting, not degrading to other individuals. Loving of human beings, sweet and kind. Frail and weak, but strong enough to be abused. Must have a strong will to others, but have the capability of being weak to one person (me). Must have compassion for others, care about the human condition, but understand when to say 'no' to others. Must remove the word 'no' from their vocabulary when speaking to me, unless told otherwise. Must be willing to give up themselves, their mind, their actions. Must want to be controlled, must feel safe in being controlled. Needs to enjoy whatever their partner deems they should, and must have love in their heart to give to their partner. Has to enjoy going out on dates, staying in and watching films, or eating cheesecake for breakfast. Needs to find pleasure in sitting at another's feet while the other reads or does work. Needs to be in a calm state of mind, and easily broken in. Must not play head games or test others' patience. Must be upfront and honest about all of their wants, needs, and desires. Needs to be faithful and want a committed relationship. Needs to want marriage and full-time commitment. Needs to enjoy being a housewife and enjoy greeting their partner when they come home from work.

What I need from a partner, and their qualities will show this, is sweetness and kindness. I love it when a slave is sweet, cute, and adorable. It makes me proud. I need a partner who will make me proud, and who other Dominants will salivate over, wishing that they had a slave as wonderful as mine. I do not really care about the exterior, it's more of how they carry themselves. I become more attracted and stuck on the way a person moves than on how they look. It's actually one of the things I fell in love with about my ex little girl—the way her little hands picked up things, how her feet were situated when she stood, the way she looked crouched and small when she spoke. That, to me, is beautiful.

I find it beautiful when a slave takes pain not only because they like it, but because they like to be of pleasure to their Dominant. That's another thing that I look for in a partner—the willingness to please and satisfy. Though I'm actually very big on satisfying my partner as well, I prefer it when they go out of their way to please me, to make me happy, to make me proud. Another thing is that a partner should not give their submission so easily. I do not like that. I do not like to fight for it, no, but I do not like it when the person immediately gives it to me. It makes me feel that I am nothing special, that if they could so easily hand over their submission that it is of no value. Over time, if a slave hands over power, I enjoy that. It's good, it shows me that not only they're warming up to me, but that they're also finding me worthy of their true submission. There's no better feeling in the world.

Another thing that is good in a partner, though not required, is a want to better themselves. I don't necessarily find charity cases, per se, but I do like it when the person feels that they could use improvement. It makes me feel like I have a purpose as their Dominant, and an obligation to help them get there. I personally am very focused on the future and on success in terms of career, so it makes me very pleased when a person is too. Even if they have that drive but not the means, it's nice to see that they are willing to move forward with their life. As someone who is a bit obsessive compulsive when it comes to cleanliness, I would probably require that the person knows how to clean.

Well, after writing all of that, I realize that I probably expect too much. I've always known that, but people have told me otherwise. However, I don't personally think that it's exactly a lot, if I were to find the right person. My philosophy on that is that if someone truly had the desire to fulfill that role in my life, be my everything and receive everything in return, then they would be willing to put up with all that I require and expect. I give a lot back. It may seem like I don't because I am a Dominant, but I do. I give back that sense of security, I give back a person who is understanding and caring, I give back a person who is committed and real and who knows what he wants. I'm responsible and am going somewhere in my life. Most everything that I do, I do it so that I can be a better Dominant to someone someday. It's a give and take, always, and that's how I prefer it.

30 Days of Kink: Changes

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

My first reaction to this question was, "No shit, Sherlock!" Of course my perspectives and interests have changed! I originally started out as primarily a person who was into the play aspect, and it developed into a need for the 24/7 lifestyle. I had been interested in it, as I've said many times, from early childhood. As I grew, things definitely changed. I learned more about myself, about my role, about where I stood in life. I'm still learning, though my interests are not going anywhere at this point. I've been pretty stagnant in my likes and dislikes, interests and hard limits for quite a long time. Sad as that may sound, I'm content with being who I am now.

It's certainly interesting because I try to remember now how I was back then, and I can't. I always had that something in me that made me this way—that's all that I can describe it as, that "something." It's like one of those atoms that they put in the lab and let grow—that's almost how it was with me. So as it grew, my interests grew, my knowledge grew, and I'm still learning at this point. Everything that I know is from my own teaching and experience. I didn't have a mentor to guide me through it, which I wish that I had because it would have made everything a lot easier. I believe that my perspective of a Dominant's role has changed an awful lot, though. I sort of came into it with the thought that the slave merely obeyed and that was it (which it is this way, sometimes). But it's more of a give and take, hence why I love the term "power exchange." The Dominant and submissive or Master and slave give and take power, it's an exchange between the two. You give me everything of yourself and I provide comfort and security.

BDSM is a long journey. People have been in it for decades and are still growing in terms of their role and their likes and dislikes. At this point, I know what I want—years ago, I didn't. But now, I know exactly what I need in a partner, in a slave, and I am brought all that much closer to eventually one day having it.

30 Days of Kink: Necessities

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I would like to note that my answer to this response is not how all BDSM relationships are. This is unique to me and other people who share my level of protocol. Do not misunderstand and think that all Dominants feel the same as I do—many do not.

A BDSM, 24/7 relationship needs most things that a vanilla relationship needs and more. Complete trust, complete faith, and a total giving of yourself into that relationship. It needs both partners working at it to succeed like a vanilla relationship does, but unlike a vanilla relationship, the work may not be split evenly. Respect needs to be given to both partners, even the submissive. Though they are subservient and lesser in status, they are still human (sometimes) and still deserve to be respected as such.

Let's do a comparison so that you can see the difference side-by-side.

For a vanilla relationship, the things that are necessary are:

• Faith/trust
• Communication
• Open-mindedness
• Equality
• Respect
• Good mental health
• The ability to forgive
• Love and caring
• Ability to understand and accept each other

Now, for a D/s relationship, the majority of those things are needed. But in contrast to that, equality of a D/s relationship is not necessary. I would never see my slave as my equal. There's nothing to it. They are my lesser, my lower, my submissive, my slave. But in being such, I highly regard their opinions and their suggestions. If we're picking out something like furniture and they have a preference for something else, I may consider their opinion and we may find something that we both like. But ultimately, it would be up to me. I went off on a bit of a tangent, so here is a list of things that I find necessary in a 24/7, BDSM relationship:

• Trust
• Communication
• Full awareness of the relationship and of expectations
• Respect
• A clear mind (especially for Dominants)
• To be able to take a breather
• Calm mental attitude
• Forgiveness
• Constant upkeep
• Order and discipline
• Obedience
• Control
• Service
• Ability to understand and accept each other
• Time management
• Self control

Notice how I did not put down love and caring for the BDSM relationship. I'm still on the rocks, honestly, of how necessary that is. You can be in a D/s relationship with someone and have it strictly be that, where the submissive and Dominant are nothing more than sub and Dom. For me, though, I think that it is necessary. I've been entering a very odd point in my life where being single has forced me to reevaluate what is necessary and what is not. We'll see, though. The main differences between vanilla and BDSM relationships is the intensity of those necessities. Yes, trust is necessary in a vanilla relationship, but when it comes to a BDSM relationship, it is so much more. If my submissive disobeys me, it isn't just, "Oh, they didn't do the dishes, we'll have a little tiff and move on." It's, "They disobeyed me, they betrayed me, now I'm going to have to punish them and hope that they learn to not do that again."