30 Days of Kink: Difficulty with Being in the Lifestyle

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Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

For me personally, everything about it has been difficult. I'm not too much interested in sex itself, to be fully honest. I can only get off when kink is involved. It's my lifestyle choice as well as a huge part of what turns me on and makes me orgasm. The problem with that is that it's very difficult not only to find a partner locally, but to find someone who is on the same wavelength as me.

I have a lot of interests that are generally thought of as "edgeplay," though I see them as quite common. The difficulty with that is that a lot of people are not willing to participate in them, and then it makes for a bad situation because I cannot get off, I am dissatisfied, and I am generally in a state of disappointment and aggravation. I've had a lot of trouble, actually, finding a mate. I was in a relationship with my girl for four years, and along the way had people who would have been better for me that I denied because I was caught up over her. Now, it's hard to find anyone. Funny how that works out.

I've tried, the past year or so, to find someone who I can be compatible with. People ranging from vanilla to extremely into BDSM. As it stands, I am a Dominant without my other. I have a few people who may be possibilities for the future, but I'm content with being single at the moment. It's not the most desirable, but it happens. I have a play partner who basically serves a purpose of, "Hey, I've got something I want to try out, want to come over?" And I do the same for them. However, it's nothing beyond that.

Another difficulty is outside of relationships completely, like with friends or coworkers. Especially someone like me who is open about everything that I'm into. I never hold back, and it sometimes puts people off when they ask me, "So what do you look for in a partner?" and I tell them point-blank what I look for. I know that I have put some people off at my job in regards to it, so I try to not discuss such matters in the workplace anymore. But if I am asked questions, I do not lie: I tell it like it is. Not my fault that someone else asked me a question regarding my lifestyle! I'm hoping that it doesn't get me fired in the future.

But in reality, I am content with how things are right now. I go to my local dungeon every once in a while now, and it's good for me because I'm getting more involved in the local scene than I had before. It's not necessary that I have a partner or significant other, though it would be nice. I am happy with life as it is.

30 Days of Kink: Curiosity

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Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.



I've always loved the allure of attending a masquerade or going to a ball and pursuing my lover, or the person that I've honed in on for the night. I find it to be incredibly hot, arousing, attractive, and sexy—I've simply never done it yet. Someday I will, I know that for a fact, but just not yet.

Another thing that I'm terribly interested in is the slave trade market. Not the actual one, no, but slave-trading between Dominants. Putting up slaves for auction and bidding on them, just for fun. I've always had this extreme interest in attending a slave trade, bidding for an extremely rowdy and resistant slave who needs to be taught a lesson, or a shy and frightened slave who doesn't know what the hell is going on. Either one would work, because both could be extremely fun in certain situations.

In all honesty, this one was hard to answer because I've never been a curious person, or I've always acted on my interests. So even though I decided to list these kinks as ones that I'm curious about, they could only be considered curiosities because I've never actually participated or played them out.

30 Days of Kink: Reality vs. Fantasy

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Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink, how do you think it might differ?

This is actually a very serious topic to me, considering the fact that I've met many people who were not serious about the lifestyle and who were simply playing around or living out their fantasies in the bedroom alone. That's not me, as most everyone knows. I'm into it 24/7, full-time. It's not just a play, bedroom sort of thing for me, though I do like to have fun during sex and I do like to play around. The lifestyle itself, however, is very serious to me.

Real life BDSM is nothing like how it's portrayed in most individuals' fantasies. It's not all fun and games, it isn't all wonderful and perfect, and a Dominant doesn't always come down, say every which thing that is right and exactly as one might expect. A slave isn't always on her best behavior, a slave isn't always in perfect health, they do not always do as they're told. Being flogged actually hurts like a bitch, and being caned hurts even more.

BDSM can be written time and time again, but even I cannot do it any justice, to be fully honest. A fantasy is just that: a fantasy. It's nothing more than what the mind has contrived to be real, what the mind thinks actuality may be. That's not to say that BDSM isn't sexy, hot, attractive, wonderful. It is, in my opinion. I find it to be perfection. But when people have fantasies, they tend to make things contrived and false, rather than seeing it for what it truly is.

Things that are tangible differences are definitely bedroom play vs. what actually goes on day by day. I'm not the type of Dominant who is always going to bend my slave over my lap and smack them across the ass when they've done something wrong. I'm sure that that would be ideal both for my partner and me, but it gets tiring. Play has always been a once in a while thing. The thing that is constant is the power exchange, the roles that we each play in the relationship. People who fantasize or imagine BDSM think of it as something in the bedroom that ends once you walk through the doorway. No way is that how it is for me. The roles are constant, the play aspect is not.

Another thing about fantasies vs. realities is that they never seem to play out exactly how we envision them. Which isn't always a bad thing, sometimes they end up being better than we expected! So it's better, I feel, for people to give the real thing a try, and if they don't like it, stick to their fantasies, because fantasies are very different from truth.

30 Days of Kink: Attraction

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Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you. Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

God, to even describe the appeal of BDSM is to attempt to give a reason for mankind. I have no idea what it is that draws me to it. I could list tangible things, like the feeling of excitement, amusement, and pleasure it gives me, but when it truly is broken down, I have no idea. I wish that I did know, though. It would help me in a lot of areas to know.

It makes no sense to me, why I was drawn to it. I never was drawn to it. It's just a fact of life that I've always known. It developed. Nothing in particular attracted me, nothing phased me. I honestly thought that BDSM relationships were how every couple was when I was younger, I didn't know that people could be vanilla. So I was born into this world thinking that everything was just so, was just that way. But it's not, obviously.

When I was five years old, I knew that I was into handcuffs and shackles. And maybe that's not the level that I'm at now, yes, my identity developed as the years went on. But isn't that true for anything? A relationship develops, people develop. It's not that my interests changed, it's simply that I grew up. So to even define the appeal, I cannot.

I think that the only thing that I've ever been truly drawn to was sex toy use, in all honesty. Not BDSM. BDSM was my constant, it was something that I was always aware of and that I always knew of. Vibrators drew me to them when I realized that, hey, maybe it can be fun to use them on a partner and tease them.

My Bedroom

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A friend requested to see my room once I finally cleaned it (yes, this is as clean as it's going to get while I'm still working and in college), so here are the photos of my room in full. Hopefully you can spot my goodies (under-the-bed restraint system). Looks pretty nice and vanilla, doesn't it? How amusing.

30 Days of Kink: Laughing

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Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Though it probably isn't humorous to most, one of my funniest bdsm moments was when I spanked my ex with a bible. She was pissing me off, we were in a horrible fight, and she started banging her head with whatever was closest, which in this case happened to be the bible. So I took it from her, turned her around, and spanked her with it. I found it amusing, at least.

In terms of bdsm as a whole, I think that I find a lot of things amusing, not funny, however. I laugh a lot, during sex, during scenes, during interrogation. I'm either extremely serious or I'm smirking/grinning/laughing at something or other. I will call someone a slut and start smirking or laughing at the fact that I called them a slut. I'm not sure whether that ruins the mood or not, but I cannot quite help it. I find it to be amusing, and when I find things amusing, I laugh or grin uncontrollably.

I do not think that it's possible for me to find anything about a given lifestyle to be funny. It may amuse me (and mind you, though I didn't clarify this before, when I say amusing, I truly mean amusing as in sexually exciting, arousing, or interesting), but I still would not find it to be funny, per se. We've all got our things. Mine is BDSM, so I see no reason to find it funny.
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